Charlie's Blog

I just found out that some expat friends are leaving Belgium for good because they are not enjoying life here.

Fair enough, ‘though it does make me sad to see them go. 

It’s such a shame when visitors don’t settle well in Belgium and don’t get a chance to see what a wonderfully quirky country this is. I can’t help but wonder whether there is a way to avoid this disappointment.

My proposed solution is simple. The Belgium immigration authorities should introduce a new process requiring all visitors to complete a test BEFORE they are even allowed to enter this country. It would really be for these visitors’ own protection. 

Test to Determine Visitors’ Compatibility with Belgium

1.    Your idea of a good lunch is: 

a) A six-course meal at one of the many Michelin starred restaurants nearby or, failing that, a freshly-baked baguette as long as your arm crammed full of spiced raw meat or some unidentifiably orange concoction involving mayonnaise and copious amounts of curry power.          

b) A plain sandwich made with sliced bread, slathered in butter and layered with thin ham slices that look like they’ve never seen the inside of a pig.

 c) A vegan, gluten-free tofu burger served on a recycled hessian plate alongside a holistic salad of alfalfa sprouts.

2.     Your idea of a perfectly acceptable summer is: 

a) A full day’s break from the incessant rain and general atmospheric greyness. This day would fall some time in July or August and you would spend half of it stuck in traffic jams trying to reach the 100km stretch of coastline along with millions of other people.

b) A day of bright sunshine lasting only up to the precise moment when you invite everyone you know to a barbeque in your garden. As soon as you break out the sausages, the heavens will open and your guests will have to huddle under the awning and nibble on rain-sodden salad leaves.

c)  Endlessly brilliant sunshine and joyful days on the beach playing lively games and laughing heartily at the satisfying wonderfulness of it all.  

3.     In your opinion, governments are: 

a) Not strictly necessary. Having a government that is too strong or too effective would only stifle the charming little ways and natural “creativity” of the country.   

b) Absolutely essential to the nation’s infrastructure and a fundamental part of being an effective democracy.

c) Just there...you know, a bit like wallpaper... and you don’t really think about such things much. In fact, you usually try to avoid thinking altogether, if possible.  

4.    You think that cartoons are:

a) Absolutely fantastic for all ages and you just can’t get enough of Tin Tin

b) A puerile waste of time - no proper card-carrying adult would ever be caught dead enjoying that rubbish.

c) not so bad, you don't mind them but a few really give you the creeps.

 5.    As far as you’re concerned, chocolate should:

a) Always be dark and must be used in everything, including baking it in pastries, melting it on cake, dipping fruit into it, spreading it on bread instead of jam, etc.

b) Only be consumed if it is very milky, very sweet and can usually be found living in a vending machine.

c) Never be purchased unless it is 100% raw and organic, having been farmed in an environmentally sustainable way (preferably in the foothills of some mountain-range with an unpronounceable name).  

 IF YOU have answered mostly “A’s”… well done, you have shown a robust resilience and open-mindedness that will enable you to withstand Belgium in all its quirkiness. If you don't already have Belgatious tendancies, you certainly have it in you to become 100% Belgian in no time at all.   

IF YOU have answered mostly “B’s”… there is a chance that you may be English or German (please check your passport and/or parents for confirmation on this before proceeding any further). In any case, your lack of compatibility with Belgium is not very serious. With the right training and a great deal of effort on your part, it may just be possible to rehabilitate you to a compatibility level of at least 51%.

IF YOU have answered mostly “C’s”… your case is doomed and, for your own good, we strongly advise you to avoid Belgium at all costs. If you don’t already live there, please immediately make your way to California where we predict that you will live a happy and fulfilled life with your two children, Buttercup and Moonbeam.

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