Charlie's Blog
You've probably noticed that there's not been much activity from Charlie's Tribe...As is customary in Belgium, we have shut down for summer holiday (not so much a holiday as having stuff to do, including adding some more content to the website). We'll still be answering emails though. Enjoy the holidays!
Following the shock announcement by the former Belgian government the European Commission has decided to follow suit and stop wasting taxpayer money with a two-tier plan. Taxpayer money will from now on be spent on completely useless projects like continuing to build the new offices for Herman van Rompuy. Once taxpayer money has been depleted the European Commission will cease its functions and officials will return to their home countries. The news has sparked fears of an increase in unemployment across the European Union countries. Those fears have now been allayed by a further announcement that all officials will receive a golden parachute.
In the streets of Brussels the news led to several protests. Milk farmers are protesting about not having anywhere to protest in future and Belgian police are unhappy about no longer being able to drive in formation in dark cars and blocking traffic. Joining the protests are European Commission officials complaining about the lack of paper to shuffle. There are fears that lobbyists, journalists and other EC and taxpayer-dependents will also take to the streets. Animal welfare societies would like to house stray cats and dogs in the resulting empty buildings.
World leaders including Barak Obama have sent their condolences to the European Commission. A spokesperson for Turkey has conveyed his government’s dismay at now no longer being able to join the gravy train.
At a press conference today the European Commission set out its timeline and actions.
Year one - set up a working group to find projects on which to spend taxpayer money and also to identify whom will spend the money
Year two - EU consultation on projects (could continue into years three and four)
Year three - deplete taxpayer money
Year four - set up a taskforce to oversee that all shuffled paper are translated into 27 languages and archived
Year five - EU consultation regarding a celebration to mark the 5 year anniversary since the announcement to stop wasting taxpayer money.
Year six - continue as usual as EU citizens have given up hope of not having their money wasted.
Following the general election in June and the continuing talks to form a coalition government, the government has announced radical plans to not form a government. Global financial markets welcomed the announcement as the move would serve to decrease the Belgian public debt by 500 trillion Euros. A new poll by Charlie’s Tribe has revealed that the majority of Belgians support the announced plans. The poll also revealed that Belgians are of the opinion that the country is functioning very efficiently since not having a government.
Senior officials from minor parties that have never made it into the government voiced concerns that not having a government would increase the national unemployment rate. A few former-government officials approached by Charlie’s Tribe confirmed that they would much rather be on holiday in the south of Spain than trying to form a government. One official was overheard saying that should a government be formed the entire process will need to be repeated again within a year thus rendering the current process pointless. Several high-ranking members of the leading parties have stated that for them sleeping with the enemy is not an option and therefore not forming a government is the best option for Belgium.
The King of Belgium, Albert II, was not available for comment but a spokesperson of Queen Paola told reporters that Queen Paola is ‘sick of these Belgians’ and that she’s moving back to Italy. Rumours are circulating that Prince Philippe has asked his father whether he could still become king even if there’s no country left to reign over. It is not clear what King Albert’s response was.
Charlie’s Tribe will keep you informed of the further repercussions this shock announcement will have.
Today the Dutch are crying, the Spanish are partying and South Africa has a hangover. I’m not sure I could have coped with much more World Cup Fever as my knowledge of football only extends so far and conversations were starting to become challenging.
Maybe because it was the first time that an African country hosted the World Cup, maybe it was the heat in some parts of the world, the cold in others, but it seemed as if everyone wanted to be part of World Cup 2010. I’ve kept track of stories of madness, sadness and cheekiness around the world during the past weeks.
- Belgium: End of the marriage
A frustrated and obviously non-too-clever wife dared to switch off the television in the middle of the Argentina-Mexico match which caused her husband to turn to domestic violence. After police interfered the man was even more upset that he had missed the rest of the match. The wife’s excuse: The drone of the vuvuzelas were driving her mad...Not sure whether to feel sorry for the husband or the wife.
- Netherlands: Vuvuzela terror strikes again
A terrorised and angry Mr Nels van Toor lost his job when he cut his colleague’s vuvuzela in half. Management was not amused and fired him on the spot. An over-reaction maybe? On both sides?
- Germany: You calling me a liar?
A German man shot two Italians after they couldn’t agree on the number of times that Italy had won the World Cup. Have they never heard of Google???
- England: sore losers
Police in England expected domestic violence to increase during the World Cup and prior to the tournament kicked off an advertising campaign to End the Fear. Their expectations were realised. Could it be that their campaign images weren’t effective?
- South Africa: Follow the light
A helpful fan wanted to show Argentinean players the best route to the Nigerian goal posts by using a green laser pointer but FIFA was not impressed. I didn’t know that Obi-Wan Kenobi was interested in football!
The Setting of Our Play: The echo-y caverns of Schaerbeek Commune. This is not to be confused with “scary-freak commune” which generally tends to be the natural habitat for hirsute hippies with fetid feet.
No... here in Belgium, a commune is a building where the local municipality or town council lives in gloomy medieval darkness festering in a puddle of its own bureaucracy and red tape. Anyway, let's get back to our play... Today finds our two characters standing in a queue of horrifying length waiting for the Guichet.
Aidan Estragon: Just who is this bloody “Guichet” person anyway and how long are we supposed to wait for him?
MD Vladimir: Guichet will appear only when Guichet is ready.
Aidan Estragon: We’ve already been here since forever. My legs have gone to sleep and I can't feel my toes anymore. Oh the bleak soul-destroying dreariness of it all… what if he never comes?
MD Vladimir: He will come. Besides, Guichet is not a he. In this country, Guichet is the French name given to that tiny window-like portal through which Lesser Mortals are permitted to address their Superiors (i.e. the civil servants dealing with our registration application).
Aidan Estragon: Okay, but why must all the Guichet people have faces of such slapped-arse-misery.
MD Vladimir: It is the Way of the Guichet.
Aidan Estragon: Would it hurt them to smile a little just once in a while?
MD Vladimir: Actually, yes it would. There is a story about a young and inexperienced Guichet lady who once made the fatal mistake of smiling helpfully at the Lesser Mortals.
Aidan Estragon: What happened to her?
MD Vladimir: She got transferred to another branch for severe SAMR.
Aidan Estragon: SAMR?
MD Vladimir: Slapped-Arse-Misery Reprogramming. They take it very seriously here. I think it’s actually a national requirement stipulated in all employment contracts with the commune – the mayor imposes very stringent misery targets every week.
Aidan Estragon: Poor Guichet people... nothing takes the fun out of Slapped-Arse-Misery quicker than having it turned into a requirement.
… and so we leave our two characters contemplating the sad plight of the Guichet people and wondering how much longer they will have to wait. Will they ever get their registration application approved? Will they ever make it out of Schaerbeek Commune again? Tune in next week to find out.
What is Charlie's Blog about?
Mainly just random stuff and nonsense. Mostly , this blog is not actually written by Charlie, but by other members of the Tribe.
Want to find out more about the Tribe? Have a look at the About Us section.
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